The early morning has always been my time. Even as a child I was awake and knew that that was the way it was supposed to be for me.
Right now it's 2:30 a.m. and I am sitting on a stone bench at a stone table on the side of the street in Spartanburg, South Carolina. The thing about those hours between Midnight and about 4:30 is that the world is silent. There's a principle that says that the mere act of observance changes things. It seems to me in the grand scheme of the universe there is little more we offer in our lives than to observe, the changes we make may feel titanic, but in fact they are insignificant. The universe is just happy to have someone watching. But in whatever corner of the world you live in there is a window of purity where even the asphalt sparkles under the street lights. There is a time when you are not bent and broken, mutated and manipulated by the watching eyes of the rest of the world and you can think thoughts that are truly yours and perform actions entirely your own. It's now that time of night when the air is thick and heavy and you feel like your swimming through the world. I love these hours.
I needed this time tonight, alone, back to the basics. Carrying my pack and sleeping bag into the night to find what I had been losing my grip on. When I started this journey I had such a firm grasp on the peace it was bringing me and the joy of the experience, I'm afraid I have been losing that a little.
There are many things I want to do on this journey and it seems they are all suffering from each other. My writing has ceased and my blogs are drivel thrown on the internet just to have something there. Videos are ready for editing, calls are ready to be made, schools ready to visit and interviews to be made. Everything is breaking down including me, the only thing it seems that can take all the pressure is my legs and right now I can use them to escape into my night.
Simply put, I need help. Or else I let something slip away. Should I keep working on the documentary and promoting educational equality at the expense of the experience and peace that this simple walk started out with? Do I keep that peace and stay true to my own needs at the expense of the charity? I have to let go of something soon because when I stop the walls start closing in on me and the weight of work waiting for me makes me restless enough to walk even when I have nowhere to go.
I feel cool and relaxed now that I am outside and have bled my troubles out. Now I can find that peace that I have lost. Once, I remember saying that just seeing these stars at night were enough to make this journey worth it. I'm going to go find that time again and hold on to my world until all of you start to wake up.
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2 comments:
I remember being with you, my sister and Bill at the G & S. It was 3 am. You said "I love this time of the night... the world is yours." I think about what you said every night when I'm out at that hour. It's true. It's one of the only times when I feel like I actually have an impact on the universe. You can almost feel the the surroundings bending and expanding when you breathe.
I'd love to write a few press releases for you, call a few schools or teacher's unions for you, etc. Just gimme a call. We can come up with a standard schpiel I can give the places a call. I will help in any way I can. If you give me the names of the cities you'll be in a week or so in advance, I will call discount stores, department stores, and a few large organizations who can donate school supplies and money to the schools you will be visiting. I'll donate my lunch hour ever day for 6 weeks to make calls for you. Please feel free to call me any time. Miss you! Love, Your Cuz.
For me, my favorite time is early in the morning, after a good night's sleep, especially. 5 am. 6 am. 5 is better. If I'm out at 2 or 3 or 4 and haven't slept, it doesn't even compare to the feeling I have at 5 or 6 after having slept. I'm not articulate enough right now, in my exhaustion to explain it all.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. You'll find the right answer.
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